Calm on the outside, paddling furiously beneath the surface — does this feel familiar?

How many times have you heard a woman describe herself as a swan?

Perhaps you’ve used this metaphor for yourself too.

At first glance, identifying as a swan seems beautiful. It suggests that you’re composed, calm, and handling everything.

Little thought is given to the furious paddling going on underneath, but that’s where the issue lies.

When we delve deeper into the metaphor, when we stop and really examine what it means to be a swan, we see that not only is there struggle beneath the surface, but that those very words carry significance.

Beneath the surface. Hidden. Private. Our own. Not something to burden others with.

It reflects a message many of us learned early: we must cope with our struggles in secret. Alone.

Where the “Swan” Begins

The roots of this often lie in how we come to understand ourselves in the context of others — in what was expected of us, praised in us, or needed from us as we grew.

We form beliefs about ourselves — our conditions of worth — in early childhood, and they shape our patterns of relating: how we connect and relate to others.

These beliefs shape our understanding of our worth and our self-esteem.

Perhaps you were the “good girl” — the one who didn’t cause a fuss, who learned early that diffusing tension in a chaotic household was the key to your worth.

Maybe this carried through to your teens, where you became the friend everyone relied on for advice and support, while keeping your own worries and angst hidden.

Over time, this became such a natural part of you that it became entwined with your sense of worth.

When we consider it in this way, it’s easy to understand why your worth can feel tied to supporting others while managing your own struggles alone.

Valued for Being “Okay”

As adults, it becomes the norm to struggle internally while supporting everyone else.

Most of the time, you aren’t even aware you’re doing it.

And yet, it feels good — validating, even — to be seen as the swan: the one who has it all together.

You become known for it, and that identity speaks to a deep need many of us carry: I am worthy, and valued, if I am okay.

Often, this shows up as people-pleasing, perfectionism, and a sense that we must cope alone.

The difficulty arises when life gets in the way — as it inevitably does.

When Coping Stops Working

Responsibilities grow — work, relationships, family — and you keep coping and coping, until one day something shifts.

Maybe it’s a life change, a trauma, a work issue, or simply the weight of carrying too much for too long.

Suddenly, what has always stayed beneath the surface comes bubbling up, and that feels terrifying.

You’ve built a life on coping, and now it feels impossible.

And because you’ve always done it alone, you panic.

What does this mean for you?

What does this mean for how others see you?

You might notice anxiety creeping in, feel overwhelmed, or question your worth.

Often, the biggest fear for those who identify as swans is being seen beneath the surface. Being seen as someone who isn’t able to cope can feel exposing, even shameful.

So you double down. You work harder to appear okay.

You overextend yourself to prove you’re still capable.

Or you retreat and go to your safe space, hidden beneath the surface. Alone.

There’s Nothing ‘Wrong’ With You — It’s a Defence

This is a common way for the nervous system to respond to stress and pressure.

It’s not a sign of weakness — it’s a defence mechanism, a way your nervous system tries to keep you safe.

Being the swan feels familiar, because your nervous system is wired to seek familiarity.

But it comes at a cost. No matter how strong you are, there’s only so much paddling one person can do before they collapse.

How Therapy Can Help

If this feels familiar, therapy offers space — space to explore what being the swan means for you, how it’s shaping your life, and to gently untangle, process, and make sense of your experiences and emotions.

It’s a place to rethink and redefine what resilience truly means.

We’re often told resilience is about toughness — pushing through and bouncing back quickly.

But real resilience is different.

It’s the capacity to hold space for yourself in the way you need, to meet yourself with compassion and understanding, and to move forward at a pace that honours you.

It’s a space where vulnerability sits alongside strength.

Where you’re no longer hiding — from yourself or others.

And where, if you choose, you can be the swan on your terms.

 

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung